Feb 9, 2026

Relationships

Going Through a Breakup? Why It Hurts So Much and How Counselling Can Help

Breakups can feel like one of the most disorienting experiences in adult life. Whether the relationship lasted six months or sixteen years, the end of a partnership can shake your sense of identity, your daily routines, and your confidence in the future. If you are struggling right now, please know that what you are feeling is a completely normal response to loss.

You are far from alone. In England and Wales, there were over 102,000 divorces in 2023 alone, according to the Office for National Statistics. That figure does not include the countless unmarried couples whose relationships ended in the same period. Around 42% of marriages in the UK will end in divorce, and for those navigating the aftermath, the emotional toll can be significant.

As a counselling practice based in Manchester, we work with people every day who are moving through the painful territory of relationship breakdown. In this post, we explore why breakups affect us so deeply, what the healing process actually looks like, and how therapy can support you through it.

Why Breakups Hurt More Than We Expect

Most people underestimate just how much a breakup can affect them. Friends and family might encourage you to "move on" or "get back out there," but the reality is that relationship loss triggers many of the same neurological responses as physical pain. A landmark 2011 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that when participants who had recently been through an unwanted breakup viewed photographs of their ex-partners, the same brain regions that process physical pain became active. In other words, heartbreak is not just a metaphor. Your brain is genuinely processing a form of pain.

As Psychology Today explains, there may be an evolutionary reason for this overlap. In the animal kingdom, being separated from a group was a genuine threat to survival, so our brains developed a powerful alarm system to discourage social disconnection. That same system fires when a romantic bond is severed.

Beyond the neuroscience, breakups often involve a cascade of secondary losses. You may lose shared friendships, living arrangements, financial stability, family connections, and the future you had imagined together. Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that among unmarried 18 to 35 year olds, 36.5% experienced at least one breakup over a 12-month period, and these breakups were consistently linked to increased psychological distress and reduced life satisfaction.

Two people holding hands under a blanket, representing emotional connection and the support counselling and therapy can offer after a breakup

The Emotional Stages You Might Experience

Everyone processes a breakup differently, and there is no single "correct" timeline. That said, there are some common emotional phases that many people move through. These do not always appear in a neat order, and you may find yourself circling back to earlier feelings before moving forward again.

Shock and denial often come first, even when a breakup has been building for some time. The finality of it can feel surreal. You might find yourself reaching for your phone to text your partner before remembering, or waking up and, for a brief moment, forgetting that things have changed. This is your mind trying to protect you from the full weight of the loss all at once.

Anger and bargaining tend to follow. You might feel furious at your ex, at yourself, or at the situation. Alongside the anger, many people find themselves replaying conversations, wondering "what if I had done things differently?" This bargaining phase is the mind's way of trying to regain a sense of control. A study published in Frontiers in Psychiatry found that 48% of participants responded to a breakup by seeking external distractions, while 44% acknowledged that the past relationship still influenced their lives at the time of assessment.

Deep sadness and withdrawal often settle in once the reality takes hold. You might lose motivation, struggle to concentrate at work, or find that activities you used to enjoy feel hollow. Research in the journal PLOS ONE has shown that individuals who recently experienced a breakup displayed symptoms consistent with clinical depression at a rate nearly double that of the general population. This is one of the phases where people most commonly seek out counselling, and rightly so.

Acceptance and rebuilding come gradually, often in quiet moments rather than as a dramatic turning point. You might notice one morning that the first thing on your mind is not the breakup, or that you laughed at something without immediately feeling guilty about it. Acceptance does not mean being happy about what happened. It means you are beginning to integrate the loss into your life story and starting to look forward again.

How Counselling Helps After a Breakup

You might wonder whether what you are going through really "warrants" therapy. The short answer is yes. You do not need to be in crisis to benefit from counselling. If a breakup is affecting your ability to function, sleep, eat, work, or connect with others, that is reason enough to seek support.

The evidence base for talking therapies is strong. According to the American Psychological Association, over 3,000 scientific studies support the effectiveness of psychotherapy, and the average person receiving therapy is better off than 79% of those who do not seek treatment. Closer to home, the NHS Talking Therapies programme (formerly IAPT) reported that around 50% of people who completed a course of treatment moved to recovery in 2022/23, as recorded by NHS England, with two thirds showing measurable improvement.

So what does counselling for breakup recovery actually look like in practice? First and foremost, it offers a safe, non-judgmental space to process your feelings. Unlike conversations with friends or family, a counselling session is entirely focused on you. There is no pressure to perform being "fine" or to consider the other person's perspective before your own.

A therapist can also help you identify unhelpful thought patterns. After a breakup, it is common to fall into cycles of self-blame, rumination, or catastrophic thinking about the future. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which accounts for roughly half of all NHS Talking Therapies courses, is particularly effective at helping people recognise and reframe these patterns. Beyond that, counselling equips you with practical coping strategies for managing anxiety, regulating difficult emotions, and rebuilding your daily routines. And because breakups have a way of surfacing old wounds, therapy can help you make sense of deeper connections to earlier experiences of loss, rejection, or insecurity.

Couple reaching out and letting go of each other's hands, symbolising the pain of a breakup and the need for relationship counselling in Manchester

Practical Steps You Can Take Right Now

While professional support is invaluable, there are also things you can do for yourself in the meantime. These are not about "fixing" yourself or rushing the process. They are about giving yourself the best possible conditions for healing.

Be honest about how you are feeling. Suppressing your emotions might feel like the strong thing to do, but it tends to extend the healing process rather than shorten it. Research consistently shows that avoidance-based coping strategies are linked to worse mental health outcomes following a breakup. Allow yourself to grieve.

Maintain your basic routines. Sleep, nutrition, and movement matter more than ever right now. You do not need to run a marathon or overhaul your diet. Just try to keep the basics in place. Your body and brain are under significant stress, and stability in your daily habits provides a foundation for recovery.

Set boundaries with your ex. This is one of the hardest but most important steps. Constant contact, even well-intentioned check-ins, can prevent you from moving forward. Give yourself permission to create space.

Be cautious with social media. Checking your ex's profiles might feel compulsive, but it almost always makes things harder. Consider muting or unfollowing them, at least for now.

Lean on your support network. You do not have to go through this alone. Reach out to friends, family, or a counsellor. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is one of the bravest things you can do.

Takeaway Advice

A breakup is not a failure. It is a significant life transition, and like any major transition, it deserves care and attention. The science is clear: the pain you feel is real, rooted in the very same neural pathways that process physical injury. But the science is equally clear that support works. Therapy helps. You do not have to sit with this pain alone and wait for time to do the heavy lifting.

If you are in Manchester or the surrounding areas and are looking for counselling to help you through a breakup or relationship difficulty, we are here for you. Our Manchester counselling practice offers a warm, confidential space where you can work through your feelings at your own pace. Whether you are dealing with a recent split, a long-term separation, or the lingering effects of a past relationship, therapy can help you find your way back to yourself.

Sources

1. Kross, E. et al. (2011). "Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain." Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3076808/

2. Office for National Statistics (2025). "Divorces and dissolutions in England and Wales: 2023." ons.gov.uk

3. Rhoades, G. K. et al. (2011). "Breaking Up is Hard to Do: The Impact of Unmarried Relationship Dissolution on Mental Health and Life Satisfaction." Journal of Family Psychology. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3115386/

4. Verhallen, A. M. et al. (2019). "Romantic relationship breakup: An experimental model to study effects of stress on depression (-like) symptoms." PLOS ONE. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6544239/

5. Mancone, S. et al. (2025). "Emotional and cognitive responses to romantic breakups in adolescents and adults." Frontiers in Psychiatry. frontiersin.org

6. Wampold, B. E. (2019). "The Effectiveness of Psychotherapy: What the Research Tells Us." National Register of Health Service Psychologists. findapsychologist.org

7. Nuffield Trust (2024). "NHS Talking Therapies (IAPT) programme." nuffieldtrust.org.uk

8. Caron, A. et al. (2023). "Attachment and Breakup Distress: The Mediating Role of Coping Strategies." Journal of Relationships Research. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10727987/

Subject Areas

Manchester counselling, counselling for breakups, relationship therapy Manchester, breakup support, therapy after a breakup, Manchester therapist, counselling near me, relationship counselling, breakup recovery, Manchester therapy

Manchester Counselling Editorial Team

Our editorial team writes practical mental health guidance in plain English, with care, accuracy, and a focus on what genuinely helps.

Relationships

Going Through a Breakup? Why It Hurts So Much and How Counselling Can Help

Breakups can feel like one of the most disorienting experiences in adult life. Whether the relationship lasted six months or sixteen years, the end of a partnership can shake your sense of identity, your daily routines, and your confidence in the future. If you are struggling right now, please know that what you are feeling is a completely normal response to loss.

You are far from alone. In England and Wales, there were over 102,000 divorces in 2023 alone, according to the Office for National Statistics. That figure does not include the countless unmarried couples whose relationships ended in the same period. Around 42% of marriages in the UK will end in divorce, and for those navigating the aftermath, the emotional toll can be significant.

As a counselling practice based in Manchester, we work with people every day who are moving through the painful territory of relationship breakdown. In this post, we explore why breakups affect us so deeply, what the healing process actually looks like, and how therapy can support you through it.

Why Breakups Hurt More Than We Expect

Most people underestimate just how much a breakup can affect them. Friends and family might encourage you to "move on" or "get back out there," but the reality is that relationship loss triggers many of the same neurological responses as physical pain. A landmark 2011 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that when participants who had recently been through an unwanted breakup viewed photographs of their ex-partners, the same brain regions that process physical pain became active. In other words, heartbreak is not just a metaphor. Your brain is genuinely processing a form of pain.

As Psychology Today explains, there may be an evolutionary reason for this overlap. In the animal kingdom, being separated from a group was a genuine threat to survival, so our brains developed a powerful alarm system to discourage social disconnection. That same system fires when a romantic bond is severed.

Beyond the neuroscience, breakups often involve a cascade of secondary losses. You may lose shared friendships, living arrangements, financial stability, family connections, and the future you had imagined together. Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that among unmarried 18 to 35 year olds, 36.5% experienced at least one breakup over a 12-month period, and these breakups were consistently linked to increased psychological distress and reduced life satisfaction.

The Emotional Stages You Might Experience

Everyone processes a breakup differently, and there is no single "correct" timeline. That said, there are some common emotional phases that many people move through. These do not always appear in a neat order, and you may find yourself circling back to earlier feelings before moving forward again.

Shock and denial often come first, even when a breakup has been building for some time. The finality of it can feel surreal. You might find yourself reaching for your phone to text your partner before remembering, or waking up and, for a brief moment, forgetting that things have changed. This is your mind trying to protect you from the full weight of the loss all at once.

Anger and bargaining tend to follow. You might feel furious at your ex, at yourself, or at the situation. Alongside the anger, many people find themselves replaying conversations, wondering "what if I had done things differently?" This bargaining phase is the mind's way of trying to regain a sense of control. A study published in Frontiers in Psychiatry found that 48% of participants responded to a breakup by seeking external distractions, while 44% acknowledged that the past relationship still influenced their lives at the time of assessment.

Deep sadness and withdrawal often settle in once the reality takes hold. You might lose motivation, struggle to concentrate at work, or find that activities you used to enjoy feel hollow. Research in the journal PLOS ONE has shown that individuals who recently experienced a breakup displayed symptoms consistent with clinical depression at a rate nearly double that of the general population. This is one of the phases where people most commonly seek out counselling, and rightly so.

Acceptance and rebuilding come gradually, often in quiet moments rather than as a dramatic turning point. You might notice one morning that the first thing on your mind is not the breakup, or that you laughed at something without immediately feeling guilty about it. Acceptance does not mean being happy about what happened. It means you are beginning to integrate the loss into your life story and starting to look forward again.

How Counselling Helps After a Breakup

You might wonder whether what you are going through really "warrants" therapy. The short answer is yes. You do not need to be in crisis to benefit from counselling. If a breakup is affecting your ability to function, sleep, eat, work, or connect with others, that is reason enough to seek support.

The evidence base for talking therapies is strong. According to the American Psychological Association, over 3,000 scientific studies support the effectiveness of psychotherapy, and the average person receiving therapy is better off than 79% of those who do not seek treatment. Closer to home, the NHS Talking Therapies programme (formerly IAPT) reported that around 50% of people who completed a course of treatment moved to recovery in 2022/23, as recorded by NHS England, with two thirds showing measurable improvement.

So what does counselling for breakup recovery actually look like in practice? First and foremost, it offers a safe, non-judgmental space to process your feelings. Unlike conversations with friends or family, a counselling session is entirely focused on you. There is no pressure to perform being "fine" or to consider the other person's perspective before your own.

A therapist can also help you identify unhelpful thought patterns. After a breakup, it is common to fall into cycles of self-blame, rumination, or catastrophic thinking about the future. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which accounts for roughly half of all NHS Talking Therapies courses, is particularly effective at helping people recognise and reframe these patterns. Beyond that, counselling equips you with practical coping strategies for managing anxiety, regulating difficult emotions, and rebuilding your daily routines. And because breakups have a way of surfacing old wounds, therapy can help you make sense of deeper connections to earlier experiences of loss, rejection, or insecurity.

Practical Steps You Can Take Right Now

While professional support is invaluable, there are also things you can do for yourself in the meantime. These are not about "fixing" yourself or rushing the process. They are about giving yourself the best possible conditions for healing.

Be honest about how you are feeling. Suppressing your emotions might feel like the strong thing to do, but it tends to extend the healing process rather than shorten it. Research consistently shows that avoidance-based coping strategies are linked to worse mental health outcomes following a breakup. Allow yourself to grieve.

Maintain your basic routines. Sleep, nutrition, and movement matter more than ever right now. You do not need to run a marathon or overhaul your diet. Just try to keep the basics in place. Your body and brain are under significant stress, and stability in your daily habits provides a foundation for recovery.

Set boundaries with your ex. This is one of the hardest but most important steps. Constant contact, even well-intentioned check-ins, can prevent you from moving forward. Give yourself permission to create space.

Be cautious with social media. Checking your ex's profiles might feel compulsive, but it almost always makes things harder. Consider muting or unfollowing them, at least for now.

Lean on your support network. You do not have to go through this alone. Reach out to friends, family, or a counsellor. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is one of the bravest things you can do.